Futile Love

I fell in love at 16, when I say fell I really do mean that. I fell head over heels for my high school sweetheart {my current boyfriend}. He was everything and more but we broke up over stupidity and went our separate ways. I mean I was 18 at the time, it crushed me but life went on. 

After that I was only in abusive relationships. I know a thing or two about them, after all I got pregnant while I was in one. I didn’t have the courage back then to speak up. Instead of reflecting on my relationship with my high school boyfriend, I went on to date losers. I constantly remember lowering my voice when we fought, being ashamed etc. I let them treat me bad because I thought I deserved it?! The blame game is a real thing.

I was constantly apologizing for being out spoken. Realizing I would always be ‘too much’ for someone who didn’t love me enough. The thing is that all of these men, {there were a few} had never been taught how to treat a women, how to have a civil discussion, how to love selflessly. I never spoke up either, not that it made it okay but they never thought to act differently. I never took any action..

After a while, I got tired of it. I had allowed myself to get walked on for too long. I found a voice, it was small at first like a whisper and then it turned into a roar. I found it within me to fight back. Fighting back meant I got hit. They weren’t used to me speaking up and it didn’t go over so lightly.

Whenever I tried to get out, I’d get sucked back in. An endless spiral of ‘yes’ and ‘no’. I got pregnant in the middle of it, by accident of course and decided then I’d take back my life. I’d be my own night and shining armor! I’d rescue my damn self. I wasn’t sure what any of that meant at 23 but I was prepared to leave at all costs. 

It took me time to cut out the toxicity, after all, I had a child with this person now. I could never really get ‘away’ from them. But I did, I found my way back to my high school sweetheart and I found my voice.

You have to find the courage within yourself to love you, love the shit out of yourself. Never accept less than you deserve. It can be hard, especially if it’s foreign to you but I promise it’s worth it. Often times when we are young we feel time is infinite or that “this too shall pass” but we can’t make excuses for bad people. 

6 years later and I have a voice, I’m happy and living my life. If I hadn’t gotten out, I’m not sure what my life would be. 

In the end we are much stronger than we think we are. We have enough to weather the storm.


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